A true relationship exists in spite of your ego and expectations, not because of them. The sooner you understand this, the sooner you will see the sun behind the clouds.
– Professor Arjun Singh, An Audible Silence
When our ego gets in the way of a good relationship, it’s like a gray cloud drifting … dimming the sun’s light and warmth. Today I’m asking a character from my novel to share something he said to his former student, Jim, as they sat in a quiet cabin over the remnants of a delicious dinner. So much of how we think about relationships is clouded by “want” and “need” and what we can get from someone else. And sometimes, it’s even worrying about if we’re giving enough.
We create an illusion that the material exchanges between people are the only things that define a true relationship – the gifts and cards and compliments. But our preferences and desires aren’t really all that we are, and they aren’t all a relationship is, either.
What if we could get past that, and realize that a true relationship is about the energy between people. The intentions. It isn’t gifts that keep the love alive, right? It’s the sentiment behind them. We all know when a gesture or gift is hollow. A true and lasting relationship is built on the emotion behind the giving: “I’m giving this to you not because I want something from you, but because I enjoy being with you…I enjoy you!”
To clear away clouds, try this: (1) When a friend calls, ask how they’re doing first, and then go silent. Don’t wonder why they don’t ask how you are. Listen. (2) Send a random, “Thank you for being in my life” text to a friend and put your phone down. Don’t wait for the “Aw, you too!” text. Just let the compliment be. (3) On the flipside, if someone pays you a compliment, don’t deflect it or give one in return to even things up. Just say thank you and let the other person bask in the pure joy of giving a compliment. (4) Buy a gift for a friend’s birthday you think they would like…and not something you would like.
Does ego cloud any of your relationships? If so, how do you bring the sunshine back?